So I bought one of those fancy new toothbrushes that you can get these days.

You'd think that it would be hard to keep improving something like a toothbrush. You'd think that toothbrushes have been around for so long that they'd be all improved-out. You'd think that toothbrush companies just invent all this new gimmickry to squeeze a few more bucks out of an increasingly disinterested populace.

But you're a jaded bastard. Me, I love my new toothbrush.

It's got a bigger, rounded handle, making it easier to grip. It's got a groove down the center, making it easier to brush teeth at an angle. It's got separated, raised bristles at the tip, making it easier to get between teeth. It's got an angled head, making it easier to reach the back of my mouth. It's got blue stripe that will wear down as I use it, make it easier to decide when to get a new one.

It's got everything.

My teeth don't feel any cleaner. But that doesn't matter.

I love my new toothbrush.