Supermarkets suck. I spent fifteen minutes shuttling around Ralphs last night, looking for a simple can of chili. Is it with the canned meat? No. The canned beans? No. The soups? No. The Spaghetti-os? Oh, yes. Of course. Silly me.

When I'm in charge -- and plans are being made -- supermarkets will make sense, laid out the way people think. Everything above, for instance, will be on one aisle, because they're all in cans. Fruit salad, too. Dog food. Sodas and beer. Cans, you'll think as you walk into the store, cans. And there they are.

The laundry detergent will be next to the soap, because they both clean things. Toothpaste next, then deodorant, then toilet paper, then paper towels. Because when I need one I always need all the others.

The sauerkraut will be next to the hot dogs which will be next to the ground beef which will be next to the hamburger buns which will be next to the bread which will be next to the butter which will be next to the eggs which will be next to the Bisquick which will be next to the syrup. Sauerkraut and syrup belong on the same aisle. Am I the only one who can see that? It just makes sense.