A failed Suck submission:
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The Suck Debates
A Dialog With the American People,
Unless They Happen to Be Ralph Nader or Pat Buchanan
LEHRER: Good evening, America, and welcome to the forth and final debate between presidential candidates Al Gore and George W. Bush. I'm your moderator, Jim Leher. By tradition, a coin-toss was to determine who answered the first question, but the silver dollar was grabbed from the air and pocketed by Vice President Gore. The Bipartisan Commission on Presidential Debates has decided that this constitutes "Heads" so the first question goes to the Vice President.
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LEHRER: Mr. Gore, for ten years and through two administrations, Saddam Hussein has been America's Public Enemy Number One. If he were to offer a hundred thousand dollars to your campaign, would it alter your administration's policies towards Iraq?
GORE: No, of course not. A Gore Administration will have only the security interests of--
LEHRER: Two hundred?
GORE: Sure. I'll be anybody's bitch for two hundred.
LEHRER: Governor Bush, a rebuttal?
BUSH: No fair! Oil money is supposed to be mine!
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LEHRER: Mr. Bush, your promiscuous bisexuality is well known. How do you reconcile your status as a born-again Christian with ravenous cock-lust?
BUSH: What? I'm not bisexual!
LEHRER: My apologies, Governor. There's been some mistake. That question was for Secretary Cheney.
BUSH: But--
LEHRER: Mr. Vice President, your comments?
GORE: Under my administration, I will fight to make sure both members of the Republican ticket will be protected from hate crimes, no matter their craving for sweaty man-flesh.
BUSH: Hey!
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LEHRER: We now move into the second part of tonight's debate, where the candidates will directly question each other. Mr. Bush?
BUSH: Mr. Vice President, we all know about your involvement in the environment, governmental efficiency and the minutia of nuclear arms control. My question is, sir, are you just the biggest weenie ever or what?
GORE: Now, that's just the kind of personal attack that--
BUSH: Weenie! Weenie-boy! Weeeenie!
GORE: Stop it! Stop it!
(Bush gives Gore a wedgie.)
BUSH: Wedgie!
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LEHRER: Mr. Gore, you may now ask a question of Mr. Bush.
GORE: Governor, please repeat the following sentence: "She sells sea shells by the sea shore."
BUSH: The American people don't--
GORE: Say it!
BUSH: She shells she shells by the she shore.
LEHRER: Mr. Gore, a rebuttal?
GORE: I can't believe I'm tied with this moron.
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LEHRER: We now begin the third portion of the evening, questions for the candidates from the audience. Yes, ma'am?
WOMAN: Mr. Gore, you have been accused in the past of repeatedly embellishing your record, of claiming that you "invented" the Internet, for instance. How do you respond?
GORE: I'd like to take this opportunity to correct a misconception. I never said I "invented" the Internet, merely that I took the initiative in helping to create it.
LEHRER: Duly noted, sir. Governor Bush, your comments--
GORE: Though the Web, that was mine. Microwave popcorn, too.
LEHRER: Governor--
GORE: And written language, Chicken Kiev and the bossanova. The human circulatory system. Argon.
LEHRER: Governor Bush?
GORE: Yes, him, too.
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LEHRER: And the final question of the night is for Governor Bush. Sir?
FISH: Yes, I'd like to ask Governor Bush if--
BUSH: Not you again! No! I'm dried out, damn you! Leave me alone!
FISH: But--
BUSH: There's no such thing as a floating, talking fish! You're not real! You're not real!
GORE: I would like it noted for the record that I sponsored the Floating, Talking Fish Protection Act of 1991.
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LEHRER: We now conclude the forth and final debate between the best men that both major American political parties have to offer. Good night, ladies and gentlemen. God help us all.
BUSH (curled into a fetal ball): No fish no fish no fish no fish...
GORE: And I'm not just saying that to pander to the floating, talking fish vote, either.
LEHRER: I need a drink.