I am not Lance Armstrong.

I am not a cancer survivor. I am not a Tour de France champion. I am not an inspiration to millions, a man who believes “in living every minute of your [life] with every ounce of your being.”

I’m a fat middle-aged guy with a dead-ending career who’s tired a lot. I forgot to shave this morning.

Lance Amstrong (L) and not Lance Armstrong (R).
Not Lance Armstrong is the one posing with a urinal.

But then I see a lot of fat, middle-aged, unshaven guys, and they’re all walking around with bright yellow LIVESTRONG wristbands, and I think, “Well, if they can be inspired to greatness by an exceptional individual’s story, can’t I? Can’t I?”

And the answer is, of course, “No. Don’t be stupid. Get back to work.”

So there’s obviously a need — a profound need — for more realistic goals for the rest of us. Overcome adversity? Break records? Change the world? Sleep with an apparently endless series of actresses and models?

I’ll settle for keeping the bathroom clean for a week. OK, five days. Three. Three days.

Dare to dream, people. Dare to dream.

Wristbands are easy, but actually living up to what they say is hard. So what’s the solution? No, not changing my attitude. Pfft. Who let you in? Change the saying!

Introducing the DIEFEEBLE wristband, in ashen gray.

DIEFEEBLE, for when the sofa and a bag of Doritos looks a hell of a lot better than a bike ride in the rain. DIEFEEBLE, for leading that life of quiet desperation that you keep hearing about. DIEFEEBLE, for being too tired to even have sex, for Christsakes.

DIEFEEBLE, for the fat middle-aged guy in all of us.

Man, do I need a nap.